I'm so ashamed! + Your body is a gift

I know that living with an ED makes it a lit more difficult to appreciate life but, really when you think about it: life is a gift! Also, even more important if you're reading this you are most probably amongst the "materially lucky" members of this planet. That is you and your family have a shelter and food on your table. You're lucky! I feel constantly guilty about this whole ED stuff. I mean, starvation, child molester, prostitution, rage-deeds and wars are for real. Yes we read about it daily but it seams surreal .... we can't even imagine what that's all about. And that's the daily life for the majority of the people on this earth. And what's my problem. Try to explain it to a child-soldier in Somalia or a kid living in the sewer systems in Mongolia. "Well ... hum... I've been through different stages of eating disorders since I was 13 years old. Believe me it's really a pain, it's like living in a self-inflicted torture chamber. You see it's actually a real big problem in our society"

What the #@&`¤£$%#$!!! It's just CRAZY!!

I'm not religious (as you might understand from my rough language above;-) ), but I do think that the bible contains several laws of conduction that, if respected by all, would decrease a lot of suffering. In the 1st Corinthians 3:16-17 (ESV) it's written:

“Do you not know that you are God’s temple and that God’s Spirit dwells in you? If anyone destroys God’s temple, God will destroy him. For God’s temple is holy, and you are that temple.”

My body is a cage

According to The Arcade Fire this song isn't about shame about you body but I choose to interpret it this way. It's a great song and a great group to see live by the way

Denial

I'm having a hard time taking myself seriously. I don’t really grip that my life is going on right now (and have been going on for 26 years). It feels more like a general repetition. I do hope that reincarnation exist so that I’ll get a second chance to live my life to the fullest :-)

The need to be perfect

What is driving your need for perfectionism? Find out what you are afraid of. If you don't control everything, what do you think will happen? What are you afraid people will conclude about you if you aren't perfect? What do you know about you, that you think everybody would see, if you didn't keep up the façade?

How to cope

I grow up to be a young adult thinking that so called negative feelings should be suppressed. My way of coping with feelings became ED. Also I never felt that I was appreciated for being me when living with my parents. By putting the momentum on my problems with ED I found an escape hole. As I wasn’t capable of feeling alone and abandoned ED’s company, although abusive, was still appreciated. He probably saved me in one way and I guess I should be thankful for that. Today however I’m surrounded by people who love me so I no longer need ED. (I really feel that) I’m now also capable of looking at him with new eyes. I know that he did his best and I will try to forgive him and try to forgive myself.

About loneliness...

I always thought that I was alone. One week ago it suddenly came to me that the reason that I feel alone is that I’m lying to everyone, including myself. Nobody really knows me. They don’t know about the shame, the feeling of failure and obsessions that’s the life for someone living with an Eating Disorder. The real issue here is also that I’m denying my problems to myself. I don’t want to do what I do but as I know nothing else, my obsessive thinking seems all normal to me.

I let E.D and the Diet Rebel dictate my life. Dictate is a really the right word. What about my own values, my own perception of life and my aspirations? I guess I need to find myself again. I thought that I knew myself really well but who am I?

Eating Disorder = Loneliness

I found this advice on the net regarding developping sane relationships:

“If you are feeling discouraged about finding someone or feeling bad about yourself and if you have had close friends, relatives, or relationships in the past, remember that at least one other person liked you the way you are. You know you can develop another relationship at least as good as one of those. If you have grown since then, you will probably have a better relationship.”

Well what if nobody really knows you? What if you’ve been hiding, lying and denying your problems to your family and closest friends? How then can you know that you can be loved for who you are? If you can’t love yourself and accept your problem, how on earth would you dare admit them to others?