I'm so ashamed! + Your body is a gift

I know that living with an ED makes it a lit more difficult to appreciate life but, really when you think about it: life is a gift! Also, even more important if you're reading this you are most probably amongst the "materially lucky" members of this planet. That is you and your family have a shelter and food on your table. You're lucky! I feel constantly guilty about this whole ED stuff. I mean, starvation, child molester, prostitution, rage-deeds and wars are for real. Yes we read about it daily but it seams surreal .... we can't even imagine what that's all about. And that's the daily life for the majority of the people on this earth. And what's my problem. Try to explain it to a child-soldier in Somalia or a kid living in the sewer systems in Mongolia. "Well ... hum... I've been through different stages of eating disorders since I was 13 years old. Believe me it's really a pain, it's like living in a self-inflicted torture chamber. You see it's actually a real big problem in our society"

What the #@&`¤£$%#$!!! It's just CRAZY!!

I'm not religious (as you might understand from my rough language above;-) ), but I do think that the bible contains several laws of conduction that, if respected by all, would decrease a lot of suffering. In the 1st Corinthians 3:16-17 (ESV) it's written:

“Do you not know that you are God’s temple and that God’s Spirit dwells in you? If anyone destroys God’s temple, God will destroy him. For God’s temple is holy, and you are that temple.”

Where I am today

Feelings: I'm ashamed of my body with it's ugly fat, bloated stomach and it's ungracefullness. However I like my morphology.
Body connection: I feel alienated by my body. I avoid looking at my body or touch myself, nor do I like the idea of someone else touching me.
Self care: I don't want to be in contact with my body so I don't take care of it. I guess I neglect myself and since a couple of years I've stopped dress up to be pretty. I can't anyway as I don't fit into my clothes.
Food choices: I no longer feel that I'm completely out of control of my choices but my food choices are not related to physical feelings but based on my emotional states and what I think is good or bad.
Eating behaviour: I eat fast without chewing and without being connected to the food.
Shape: I do sports inregularely, like 2 times a week in average feel out of shape, week, stiff and got a bad posture.
Responsibility: I "start all over again" twice a month with the obligatory last-supper period before.
Health: I often have stomach aches, my muscles are often sore and I sleep bad or too little and often feel tired and out of energy. I'm rarely sick though.
Time spent: In average 1h30 a day to plan to break free.
Money spent: In average I spend 5 euros a day = 150 euros a month to dieting and binging.
Weight: 62.3 kilos.
Fat %: 22.7
Water %: 53.6

Begin with the end in mind

I've just accomplished my Body for life challenge! It's been 12 exciting weeks that has literally transformed my body and life. On the physical level I'm today full of energy and I'm proud of my body! I'm slim, flexible and strong and today eating is really simple: I just eat when I'm hungry, I only put food in my body that I love and respect, I savour every mouthful and I stop eating when I'm satisfied. As I love my body I take care of it exercise and healthy eating are now a part of my lifestyle and as natural as brushing my teeth before I go to bed!

But what's even more amazing is that the BFL challenge has had an affect on so many other areas of my life. I gained back the self-respect and self-esteem that I had lost. By loving myself I'm a much more seccure, generous and positiv and I've become a better parter, friend and cooworker. I feel like I have gained the life of my dreams and I hear from others that I'm a source of inspiration as well. I know now that I'm in charge of my life and I'm thankful for every new day that I'm the capten of my destiny!

My roots

I beleive that some things enables us to swing with the wind instead of breaking whenever there's a storm going on. This is what I call our roots. More importantly this basic will also provide us with material to nurture and grow fruits on your branches. Enough with the metaphores today, this is my roots:



HEALTH - I take care of the garage where I park my soul
RELATIONSHIPS - I show appreciation for, and spend time with my loved ones
CREATIVITY - I build on my creative side and feed my curiosity.
WORK - I have a stimulating work, both intellectually and socilaly
BEAUTY - I beautify my exterior and interior environment
RITUALS - I do ordinary things in extraordinary ways

To feel miserrable where you are but still wanting to stay in the comfort zone

Decide that you are worth the risk of taking action, and that your dreams are not to be sold out. It might be scary but you must leave behind what's comfortable and familiar if you are to move onward and upward. Remember:

• It what you do that determines the script of your life.
• It's important to transfer your intentions into purposeful, meaningful and constructive actions.
• Measure yourself and others based on results — not intentions or words.

Know where I'm going

We all generate the results that we feel that we deserve. The eating disorder isn't the cause it's the symptom! I need to love and care for myself!

I want to be healthy.
I want to love myself.
I want to be proud of my body and my life.

When it comes to my behavior around food

I want to eat when I'm hungry
I want to stop eating when I'm full
I want to only eat food that I like
I want to savour the food
I want to eat slowly and be mindfully
I want to take care of myself emotionally before eating.

Feelings is just.... feelings

I guess that analysing our feelings is something that girls do really well. Is this really necessary? How you feel is how you feel. It’ll pass soon. It's like waves they reach the shore and then go away, leaving room for another wave/emotion to take it's place. As you can’t prevent emotions from arising in your mind it makes no sense to see an emotion as good or bad. According to the law of attraction you can alter you feelings by altering what you focus on. However you can't control your feelings. The only thing you can control is your actions. Therefore you can't judge yourself depending on your emotions as they're outside of your locus on control. You can only judge yourself depending on your actions.

ED is the reason to why I’m still alive

When writing about my feelings the other day it came to me that I should really thank ED for all he’s done. He helped me through the tough episodes of my life. He was always there for me. His abusive methods and ugly words was definitely not the ultimate solution but without him I would have been abandoned. I’ve hated him but he still never gave up on me. He was always there giving me hope. Pushing me harder. Pushing me not to give up. I honestly believe that without him I might not have been alive today. I’m not sure that I would have been able to face the reality that according to me, was really painful.

I know that my abusive relationship with ED was really hard and what kept me alive was the hope of one day breaking free from him. However I truly believe that the reason why I choose to stay with ED was because it was the least painful alternative. It would have been even more painful to cope with the real life. So without ED I would probably be 5 feet’s underneath the earth. Even though I hate my relationship with ED, I’m alive. Yes, I’m alive. Isn’t that worth celebrating?

E.D

I’ve been married to my eating disorder E.D for 13 years. E.D is persuaded that he knows what’s best for me and that he protects me from a ruff world. In reality he’s main purpose is to put me down and keep my self-esteem low in order for me to believe that he’s the only one who truly cares about me. His voice is authoritative and critical. Ed say’s that the only way that I can be satisfied with me life, be successful and be loved is by being thin and obey his rules.

About loneliness...

I always thought that I was alone. One week ago it suddenly came to me that the reason that I feel alone is that I’m lying to everyone, including myself. Nobody really knows me. They don’t know about the shame, the feeling of failure and obsessions that’s the life for someone living with an Eating Disorder. The real issue here is also that I’m denying my problems to myself. I don’t want to do what I do but as I know nothing else, my obsessive thinking seems all normal to me.

I let E.D and the Diet Rebel dictate my life. Dictate is a really the right word. What about my own values, my own perception of life and my aspirations? I guess I need to find myself again. I thought that I knew myself really well but who am I?

I'm taking my life back!

I’ve decided to live! I want to take my life back! I'm going to dry my tears and simplify my life. Well simplify sound much more fun than to say that I’m really frightened that if I don’t get out of my mental torture chamber I don’t know what I’ll do. I’ve decided that I need to find myself as I don’t know how long I will cope with this existance (because I can’t really call this a life).

So here’s how I'll proceed ones I've found the motivation to act:

1 Create a support-team and keep daily contact
2 Accept and forgive myself for what I've done in the past
3 Get a clear picture of what I want for my future
4 Set up small process goals on the way
5 Reward myself on the way
6 Wear high heels more often

Ok I know that the 6^th statement seems quite irrelevant compared to the others but I’m not known to be a dead-serious young woman.(one of the reasons why I've been having a hard time to take my problems seriously)