Stand up for yourself!

We need to say no to E.D, Mr Faultfinder and The Diet Rebel and give place for our own voice and opinions instead. You either teach people to treat you with dignity and respect, or you don't. You shape others' behaviour when you teach them what they can get away with and what they cannot. If the people in your life treat you in an undesirable way, figure out what you are doing to reinforce, elicit or allow that treatment.

Wednesday I started all over again!

This time it's for real. I've had it and decided that I'm going to give myself the gift of stopping this behavior.

I don't want this life! This obsesion!

I'm tired. I'm tired of being myself. I know I'm not supposed to see ED as being a part of myself but it's difficult. I mean I decide who I am... I'm tired. Really tired. I want to change. I really want to! Why am I so afraid! What am I afraid of? I feel like I know nothing! Am I afraid? Or is this just a destructive habit going on for more then a decade? Or am I just... weak? I hate who I've become! This isn't me! But where am I? I try to use humour to not take my problems seriously. To fake that I like life. But honestly I don't want this any more. I DON'T WANT THIS! CAN SOMEBODY HEAR ME? PLEASE! please.... please

You choose your behavior, you choose your life

Every choice you make — including the thoughts you think — has consequences.

If you haven't got the relationships you want, you are accountable.
If you are overweight, you are accountable.
If you are not happy, you are accountable.

Why your disordered eating behaviour served you

The message of this book written by Anita Johnston is that food isn’t the issue. This isn’t a new standpoint in literature around eating disorders. However Anita tells us to thanks our eating disorder instead of fighting it. The disordered eating behaviour served you when your goal was survival. The below is an outdraw about a girl with a eating disoirder:

“Her perspective must shift so that she can see that this obsession not as some horrible character defect but rather as a simple and much needed protective mechanism she picked up along her journey through life. It is something she has learned to use to help her deal with the emotional distress of being different or feeling misunderstood, unaccepted or overwhelmed.”

Food is a tool to distract us from the real issue and fears. The idea is therefore to identify what emotional hunger and emptiness we’re trying to fill with food.

The need to be perfect

What is driving your need for perfectionism? Find out what you are afraid of. If you don't control everything, what do you think will happen? What are you afraid people will conclude about you if you aren't perfect? What do you know about you, that you think everybody would see, if you didn't keep up the façade?

Feelings is just.... feelings

I guess that analysing our feelings is something that girls do really well. Is this really necessary? How you feel is how you feel. It’ll pass soon. It's like waves they reach the shore and then go away, leaving room for another wave/emotion to take it's place. As you can’t prevent emotions from arising in your mind it makes no sense to see an emotion as good or bad. According to the law of attraction you can alter you feelings by altering what you focus on. However you can't control your feelings. The only thing you can control is your actions. Therefore you can't judge yourself depending on your emotions as they're outside of your locus on control. You can only judge yourself depending on your actions.

How to cope

I grow up to be a young adult thinking that so called negative feelings should be suppressed. My way of coping with feelings became ED. Also I never felt that I was appreciated for being me when living with my parents. By putting the momentum on my problems with ED I found an escape hole. As I wasn’t capable of feeling alone and abandoned ED’s company, although abusive, was still appreciated. He probably saved me in one way and I guess I should be thankful for that. Today however I’m surrounded by people who love me so I no longer need ED. (I really feel that) I’m now also capable of looking at him with new eyes. I know that he did his best and I will try to forgive him and try to forgive myself.

ED is the reason to why I’m still alive

When writing about my feelings the other day it came to me that I should really thank ED for all he’s done. He helped me through the tough episodes of my life. He was always there for me. His abusive methods and ugly words was definitely not the ultimate solution but without him I would have been abandoned. I’ve hated him but he still never gave up on me. He was always there giving me hope. Pushing me harder. Pushing me not to give up. I honestly believe that without him I might not have been alive today. I’m not sure that I would have been able to face the reality that according to me, was really painful.

I know that my abusive relationship with ED was really hard and what kept me alive was the hope of one day breaking free from him. However I truly believe that the reason why I choose to stay with ED was because it was the least painful alternative. It would have been even more painful to cope with the real life. So without ED I would probably be 5 feet’s underneath the earth. Even though I hate my relationship with ED, I’m alive. Yes, I’m alive. Isn’t that worth celebrating?

When feelings is the disease and “Ed” is the remedy

So what just happened? I just had a binge and well I wasn’t really conscience of having one. Just before going to take a nap I read in “eating in the light of the moon” about that it’s crucial to accept and feel our feelings in order to get rid of ED. It makes sense. I know that I’ve got a nasty habit of numbing myself from feelings with ED related issues: eating, starving, binging, exercising etc. And why do I do that? Well, I wasn’t allowed to show my emotions when living with my parents: I was supposed to be that happy smiling girl. Always. My father constantly reminded me that I was a part of his environment (that’s literally what he said) and that he didn’t tolerate any “odd behaviour” in that environment. So I grow up thinking that not being cheerful was odd and a sin. My way of coping with feelings became ED. Anyway. What happened is that I woke up, feeling like shit. I was anxious and had bad conscience. So I had a binge. I didn’t want to feel that way. When analysing why I felt that way is because I’m really afraid that I won’t reach my ideal weight. I just gained 3 kg and I feel so alienated in my body. I also had a dream that I wasn’t respecting the diet rules I’ve out up for my self and I guess that created an “it’s already too late to be perfect” feeling. The bing was my response to numb my guilt and anxiety.