When feelings is the disease and “Ed” is the remedy

So what just happened? I just had a binge and well I wasn’t really conscience of having one. Just before going to take a nap I read in “eating in the light of the moon” about that it’s crucial to accept and feel our feelings in order to get rid of ED. It makes sense. I know that I’ve got a nasty habit of numbing myself from feelings with ED related issues: eating, starving, binging, exercising etc. And why do I do that? Well, I wasn’t allowed to show my emotions when living with my parents: I was supposed to be that happy smiling girl. Always. My father constantly reminded me that I was a part of his environment (that’s literally what he said) and that he didn’t tolerate any “odd behaviour” in that environment. So I grow up thinking that not being cheerful was odd and a sin. My way of coping with feelings became ED. Anyway. What happened is that I woke up, feeling like shit. I was anxious and had bad conscience. So I had a binge. I didn’t want to feel that way. When analysing why I felt that way is because I’m really afraid that I won’t reach my ideal weight. I just gained 3 kg and I feel so alienated in my body. I also had a dream that I wasn’t respecting the diet rules I’ve out up for my self and I guess that created an “it’s already too late to be perfect” feeling. The bing was my response to numb my guilt and anxiety.