I don't want this life! This obsesion!

I'm tired. I'm tired of being myself. I know I'm not supposed to see ED as being a part of myself but it's difficult. I mean I decide who I am... I'm tired. Really tired. I want to change. I really want to! Why am I so afraid! What am I afraid of? I feel like I know nothing! Am I afraid? Or is this just a destructive habit going on for more then a decade? Or am I just... weak? I hate who I've become! This isn't me! But where am I? I try to use humour to not take my problems seriously. To fake that I like life. But honestly I don't want this any more. I DON'T WANT THIS! CAN SOMEBODY HEAR ME? PLEASE! please.... please