Eating to numb feelings

Christmas is over. It went quity well. High above my expectations at least. I guess that I should be proud. Here´s a little something from Kay Sheppard's site about food-addiction.

"A food-addiction is characterized by obsession with food, obsession with weight and loss of control over the amount of food eaten. It involves the compulsive pursuit of a mood change by engaging repeatedly in episodes of binge eating despite adverse consequences. When we eat to soothe feelings, that is compulsive eating. The irony here is that we eat to feel better; that which makes us feel worse. Eating because of uncomfortable feelings never worked. It only numbed us for a while but never resolved the feelings. Those could be ignored for a while as we ate out of control, but they never went away. That, of course, increased the amount and frequency of food necessary to dull the pain. This is an example of progression -- food addiction is a progressive disease. "

Tapping - Release the NEED to lose weight

The Pyramid of Mastery - positiv effect of a transforming yor body on other life areas

After finding that all BFL testimonies had experienced positive effect on other areas of their life I found that the self-help guru Tony Robbins could put words to this phenomena by using what he calls the "Pyramid of Mastery"
7 Areas of Constant Growth for an Extraordinary Life

..."An extraordinary life comes from an unrelenting commitment to constant and never-ending improvement in all seven areas of your life. While all seven areas are important, there is a hierarchy that helps create peak performance and fulfillment. For example, if you don’t focus on health and your body, all the money, career success and contribution in the world will be worthless. You can’t experience an extraordinary quality of life without the vehicle that’s helping create it. Or if you spend time trying to solve your relationship issues and haven’t yet focused on your emotions, you’ll no doubt encounter problems. Similarly, you must determine how you focus and spend your time in order to create a successful career."

Finding a balance

Why is the "all or nothing" thinking so prominent when it comes to food? Because unlike other addictions, you can't avoid your "drug" as food is necessary for survival. Having broken one of your food rules the perfectionists "black and white" thinking takes over and the vicious cycle continues. Also, when consuming ice cream, pizzas, cookies and other calorie dense food often - it's no longer a treat and I wont appreciate it as much and so I'll eat more of it.

I know I don't want to live without treats but I don't want to "live for it" either. So what I'll do is to develop a healthier relationship with my food - a relationship based on meeting my nutritional needs, respecting my body and occasionally savouring treats.

Begin with the end in mind

I've just accomplished my Body for life challenge! It's been 12 exciting weeks that has literally transformed my body and life. On the physical level I'm today full of energy and I'm proud of my body! I'm slim, flexible and strong and today eating is really simple: I just eat when I'm hungry, I only put food in my body that I love and respect, I savour every mouthful and I stop eating when I'm satisfied. As I love my body I take care of it exercise and healthy eating are now a part of my lifestyle and as natural as brushing my teeth before I go to bed!

But what's even more amazing is that the BFL challenge has had an affect on so many other areas of my life. I gained back the self-respect and self-esteem that I had lost. By loving myself I'm a much more seccure, generous and positiv and I've become a better parter, friend and cooworker. I feel like I have gained the life of my dreams and I hear from others that I'm a source of inspiration as well. I know now that I'm in charge of my life and I'm thankful for every new day that I'm the capten of my destiny!

Self - discipline - we all need it to suceed

Self-discipline is the ability to get yourself to take action regardless of your emotional state. This is also closely linked to your self-esteem. To build self-discipline the personal development blogger Steve Pavlina uses the below steps.

Identify an area where your discipline is weakest, acknowledge your starting point, and design a training program for yourself to improve in this area. Willpower is your ability to set a course of action and say, “Engage!” This includes the following steps:

1 Choose your objective 2 Create a plan of attack 3 Execute the plan

Your life will reach a whole new level when you stop avoiding hard work and simply surrender to it. If you want to get heathy it’s time to accept that the path to your goal requires disciplined diet and exercise (both hard work).
Self-discipline also requires that you develop the capacity to put in the time where it’s needed. In life there are many tasks that aren’t necessarily difficult, but if you don’t discipline yourself to get these done, they can make a big mess of your life. Finally when you work on any big goal you won't always feel motivated but by being persistent you'll keep taking action and therefore you keep accumulating results.

The Body for life challenge

Inspiration from people taking on the BFL challenge

"The Body-for-LIFE Challenge has changed everything for me. I realize now that being overweight was a way for me to hide from life. Not anymore! I now have a level of energy, self-confidence and personal power that I can achieve any goal I set for myself."

"My BFL journey has taught me so much about myself. I am not weak, but strong. I have the ability to accomplish anything I put my heart and mind to. Not only has my body and confidence level changed, but my life overall is amazing now. I’m a pleasant, more giving wife, a fun and energetic mom, and a supportive nurturing friend"

"People tell me how much I have changed. I tell them BFL has not CHANGED me. Rather, it has helped me to find me again—the thin, healthy, happy me that was hiding under a layer of grief, pain, loss, guilt and fat."

"This has been a life-changing experience, affecting me not only physically, but just as much, emotionally and spiritually. I feel empowered, like anything is possible if I really want it! I am a better wife, mother and friend. I can’t seem to quit smiling, because I feel so good, inside and out. I am full of energy and am enjoying my husband and kids more than ever. I was an average, middle-aged, wife and mother, who, by taking the Body-for-LIFE Challenge, has indeed CHANGED FOR LIFE! I sincerely thank you for this new life!!"

Strive for consistency, not perfection

You can be sure there will be the occasional meal or snack that’s not on the recommended food list. When you get off track in this way, don’t allow it to slow you down. Enjoy the divergence, recommit to your goal, and get back on track with your next meal.

Walk the talk

A lot of self-help litterature suggests that high self-esteem comes from BEEING the DOING. It seems like goals setting and successfully reaching your goals is a crucial step in developing self-esteem. You must ACT!

If you assume responsibility for your life and if you put in time and effort necesary you will gain self-respect. You will so like yourself better and in that way others will like you more as well.

Just finished my fast

Since last time I actually DID something drastical. I highlight the word "did" as I beleive that "winner do what loosers don't want to do". Like get your self together ;-) Of course this is a way to simplify the complex behavior of someone suffering from an eating disorder but anyway, it's good to keep in mind.

So I did a fast. A so called master cleanse. The aim of this was to let my poor digestive system rest, to get new eating patterns, to appreciate the act of eating and to clean out my body from toxics (detoxes must by the way be one of the most popular diet fads today).

And yes, I know that it's a short time solution to a long time problem and that the loss is not only toxics and fats but also a lot of water and also some muscles, but a desperately needed to feel lighter and better in my body.

My body is a cage

According to The Arcade Fire this song isn't about shame about you body but I choose to interpret it this way. It's a great song and a great group to see live by the way

Affirmations - Change Your Mind

As I'm not at all a fan of Celine Dion so I can't see this video using the sound but the message is really good. I had enough! I know I've said this so many times before but this time it's for real. I'm fead up with feeding myself. I had it!

Do you have an eating disorder? Well... yes I do

This questioner is from the site eatingdisorderfoundation.org.

If you have answered "Yes" to any of these questions, you may have an eating disorder.

1. Do you overeat until you feel sick?
2. Do you feel guilt and remorse when you eat?
3. Are you terrified of being overweight?
4. Does it feel as though food controls your life?
5. Do you isolate so that you can eat?
6. Do you have a history of dieting?
7. Do you avoid eating when you're hungry?
8. Do you weigh yourself at least once a day?
9. Do you eat large amounts of food in a brief amount of time?
10. Do other people say you're thin but you think you're fat?
11. Do you make yourself vomit?
12. Do you regularly take laxatives or diuretics to lose weight?
13. Do you exercise no matter how tired or sick you may feel and feel upset when you miss a day?
14. Do you go to the gym or exercise more than once a day?
15. Do you take longer than other people to eat a meal or do you usually finish before everyone else?
16. Are you preoccupied with food or your body size much of the day most days?
17. Do you hide foods?
18. Do you cook for others but never eat what you've made?
19. Do you resist foods when in public but eat them when you're alone?
20. Do you eat or refuse to eat when tense, anxious, or disappointed?
21. Do you feel exhilarated or "in control" when you don't eat?
22. Have you taken drugs to curb your appetite?
23. Do you exercise instead of eating?
24. Do you count calories or fat grams?
25. Do you make unfulfilled promises to yourself about what you will or will not eat?
26. Do you feel defeated or hopeless about food or your body size?
27. Have you kept any of these issues secret?

Sleep loss, increased appetite and obesity

I've been indulging in compulsive and uncontrolled eating for 3 hours now. Ice cream, chocolate pralines, candy, fudge and more ice cream. This frightens me as I've been experiencing amelioration's recently in this area and all actions reinforces that particular behavior....

I also had 3 days of binging last week. After trying to analyse what could be behind this behavior I found the answer being lack of sleep. After googling this issue I found that several researchers have since 2004 tried to prove the connection between sleep deprivation and increased appetite. The first article in this kind was publicated at the University of Chicago showing that sleeping too few hours will have an effect on your hormones. This will cause an increase in appetite and a preference for calorie-dense, high-carbohydrate foods. And in my case, having an appetite for such food is forbidden, and if I eat something that's calorie dense and still feel hungry afterword I will most likely choose to have a binge. I'm using the word "choose" as I should feel responsible for my actions, but whenever this happens, I really don't feel like it's a choice.

On my bedside table lays my body for life

When Bill Phillip - the publisher of a bodybuilding magazine - found out that a majority of his enthusiastic readers were completelly out of shape he realized that something was wrong in his methodes. He decides to motivate his readers to do a 12 week body transformation - The body for life Challenge.

I beleive that it's the real life stories that are what makes this book so special. With "before-and-after" shots and success stories you can not avoid wanting to act. wanting to change. These real life cases all seems to have experienced tremendous uplifts in their life in other areas outside their physical body. l did try this cardio methodes for 2 weeks with enourmosly positiv results in my mental and physical health. However, then my brand nex PT came along saying that I shouldn't do so as I've got weak knees and that the cardio - program put to much pressure on them...

However, I still loved the book, hoping that I'll be able to do it one day.

Body for Life: 12 Weeks to Mental and Physical Strength by Bill Phillip

You can alos check out Bill's homepage: http://bodyforlife.com/index.asp

ED's helping you go through emotional conflicts

Text from http://www.eatingdisorderfoundation.org/

Eating Disorders are not just about food and weight. They are an attempt to use food intake and weight control to manage emotional conflicts that actually have little or nothing to do with food or weight. Eating disorders do not occur in an otherwise satisfied, productive, and emotionally healthy person. People with eating disorders are struggling with a number of emotional problems. This may be a hard concept to accept. Many people with eating disorders appear to be functioning at a high level, such as enjoying success with school or work. Often, the only problem appears to be with eating. However, healthier eating habits or stronger willpower are not the missing ingredients that will make the problem disappear.


AN EATING DISORDER IS AN EXTERNAL SOLUTION TO INNER TURMOIL.


Psychological Factors that can contribute to Eating Disorders:
Low self-esteem
Feelings of inadequacy or lack of control in life
Depression, anxiety, anger, or loneliness

Interpersonal Factors that Can Contribute to Eating Disorders:
Troubled family and personal relationships
Difficulty expressing emotions and feelings
History of being teased or ridiculed based on size or weight
History of physical or sexual abuse
Social Factors that Can Contribute to Eating Disorders:
Cultural pressures that glorify "thinness" and place value on obtaining the "perfect body"
Narrow definitions of beauty that include only women and men of specific body weights and shapes
Cultural norms that value people on the basis of physical appearance and not inner qualities and strengths

Other Factors that can contribute to Eating Disorders:
Scientists are still researching possible biochemical or biological causes of eating disorders. In some individuals with eating disorders, certain chemicals in the brain that control hunger, appetite, and digestion have been found to be imbalanced. The exact meaning and implications of these imbalances remains under investigation. Eating disorders are complex conditions that can arise from a variety of potential causes. Once started, however, they can create a self-perpetuating cycle of physical and emotional destruction.

Why are everybody nagging about keeping a food journal?

Knowing when and why you eat is an important step in recovery. Therefore it's often recomended in self help litterature (about eating disorders) to keep a daily journal of your eating habits. List what you ate, when you ate, your hunger level, and your feelings before and after you ate. This is not suppose to be an activity in order to judge yourself. Don't feel guilty. Instead be like a detective eager to reveal a secret. It sounds silly but hey, I'm not the one writing the self-help books. However I've tried this before and believe me it works.

Quote of the day

“Beauty is not a frivolous issue. Nor is it a vanity issue. It’s a quality of life issue”

My roots

I beleive that some things enables us to swing with the wind instead of breaking whenever there's a storm going on. This is what I call our roots. More importantly this basic will also provide us with material to nurture and grow fruits on your branches. Enough with the metaphores today, this is my roots:



HEALTH - I take care of the garage where I park my soul
RELATIONSHIPS - I show appreciation for, and spend time with my loved ones
CREATIVITY - I build on my creative side and feed my curiosity.
WORK - I have a stimulating work, both intellectually and socilaly
BEAUTY - I beautify my exterior and interior environment
RITUALS - I do ordinary things in extraordinary ways

Denial

I'm having a hard time taking myself seriously. I don’t really grip that my life is going on right now (and have been going on for 26 years). It feels more like a general repetition. I do hope that reincarnation exist so that I’ll get a second chance to live my life to the fullest :-)

Pain, pleasure and payoffs

Even the most destructive behaviours have a payoff. If you did not perceive the behaviour in question to generate some value to you, you would not do it. So if you want to stop behaving in a certain way, you've got to stop "paying yourself off" for doing it! Really! This is important. You must link pain to doing a destructive behaviour and then link pleasure to changing.

Find and control the payoffs, because you can't stop a behaviour until you recognize what you are gaining from it. Be alert to the possibility that your behaviour is controlled by fear of rejection. It's easier not to change. Try something new = putting yourself on the line. Also consider if your need for immediate gratification creates an appetite for a small payoff now rather than a large payoff later.

To feel miserrable where you are but still wanting to stay in the comfort zone

Decide that you are worth the risk of taking action, and that your dreams are not to be sold out. It might be scary but you must leave behind what's comfortable and familiar if you are to move onward and upward. Remember:

• It what you do that determines the script of your life.
• It's important to transfer your intentions into purposeful, meaningful and constructive actions.
• Measure yourself and others based on results — not intentions or words.

THE POWER OF THE MIND ON A SUBCONSCIOUS LEVEL

Visualization literally means the formation of mental visual images. By creating a picture of who you want to be and what you want to accomplish in life, you can begin to design your own life.

Anything that you think, imagine or visualize will manifest within the physical body. If you think of your own as fat, having an eating disorder or that life is difficult the subconscious mind will find ways to make it so. So to be healthy replace thees negative labels with positive new ones. An effective say to do this is visualization. Visualization puts you in charge of your subconscious where all these bad programs are stored. Visualization is not just seeing what you desire in your mind's eye. It is about living in your mind's eye using your five senses to make the images as real as possible.

If you can visualize your body at its perfect weight and proportions, the subconscious mind will work to make it become a reality. It will then begin to positively reinforce your body into aiding the metabolism and eating habits. Programming your mind into believing that you can be healthy, and to visualize yourself at your ideal weight is of the greatest importance. Try and hear people complimenting you about your slim new body, and watch their admiring glances. And remember - make the mental image as real as possible.

Know where I'm going

We all generate the results that we feel that we deserve. The eating disorder isn't the cause it's the symptom! I need to love and care for myself!

I want to be healthy.
I want to love myself.
I want to be proud of my body and my life.

When it comes to my behavior around food

I want to eat when I'm hungry
I want to stop eating when I'm full
I want to only eat food that I like
I want to savour the food
I want to eat slowly and be mindfully
I want to take care of myself emotionally before eating.

Stand up for yourself!

We need to say no to E.D, Mr Faultfinder and The Diet Rebel and give place for our own voice and opinions instead. You either teach people to treat you with dignity and respect, or you don't. You shape others' behaviour when you teach them what they can get away with and what they cannot. If the people in your life treat you in an undesirable way, figure out what you are doing to reinforce, elicit or allow that treatment.

Wednesday I started all over again!

This time it's for real. I've had it and decided that I'm going to give myself the gift of stopping this behavior.

I don't want this life! This obsesion!

I'm tired. I'm tired of being myself. I know I'm not supposed to see ED as being a part of myself but it's difficult. I mean I decide who I am... I'm tired. Really tired. I want to change. I really want to! Why am I so afraid! What am I afraid of? I feel like I know nothing! Am I afraid? Or is this just a destructive habit going on for more then a decade? Or am I just... weak? I hate who I've become! This isn't me! But where am I? I try to use humour to not take my problems seriously. To fake that I like life. But honestly I don't want this any more. I DON'T WANT THIS! CAN SOMEBODY HEAR ME? PLEASE! please.... please

You choose your behavior, you choose your life

Every choice you make — including the thoughts you think — has consequences.

If you haven't got the relationships you want, you are accountable.
If you are overweight, you are accountable.
If you are not happy, you are accountable.

Why your disordered eating behaviour served you

The message of this book written by Anita Johnston is that food isn’t the issue. This isn’t a new standpoint in literature around eating disorders. However Anita tells us to thanks our eating disorder instead of fighting it. The disordered eating behaviour served you when your goal was survival. The below is an outdraw about a girl with a eating disoirder:

“Her perspective must shift so that she can see that this obsession not as some horrible character defect but rather as a simple and much needed protective mechanism she picked up along her journey through life. It is something she has learned to use to help her deal with the emotional distress of being different or feeling misunderstood, unaccepted or overwhelmed.”

Food is a tool to distract us from the real issue and fears. The idea is therefore to identify what emotional hunger and emptiness we’re trying to fill with food.

The need to be perfect

What is driving your need for perfectionism? Find out what you are afraid of. If you don't control everything, what do you think will happen? What are you afraid people will conclude about you if you aren't perfect? What do you know about you, that you think everybody would see, if you didn't keep up the façade?

Feelings is just.... feelings

I guess that analysing our feelings is something that girls do really well. Is this really necessary? How you feel is how you feel. It’ll pass soon. It's like waves they reach the shore and then go away, leaving room for another wave/emotion to take it's place. As you can’t prevent emotions from arising in your mind it makes no sense to see an emotion as good or bad. According to the law of attraction you can alter you feelings by altering what you focus on. However you can't control your feelings. The only thing you can control is your actions. Therefore you can't judge yourself depending on your emotions as they're outside of your locus on control. You can only judge yourself depending on your actions.

How to cope

I grow up to be a young adult thinking that so called negative feelings should be suppressed. My way of coping with feelings became ED. Also I never felt that I was appreciated for being me when living with my parents. By putting the momentum on my problems with ED I found an escape hole. As I wasn’t capable of feeling alone and abandoned ED’s company, although abusive, was still appreciated. He probably saved me in one way and I guess I should be thankful for that. Today however I’m surrounded by people who love me so I no longer need ED. (I really feel that) I’m now also capable of looking at him with new eyes. I know that he did his best and I will try to forgive him and try to forgive myself.

ED is the reason to why I’m still alive

When writing about my feelings the other day it came to me that I should really thank ED for all he’s done. He helped me through the tough episodes of my life. He was always there for me. His abusive methods and ugly words was definitely not the ultimate solution but without him I would have been abandoned. I’ve hated him but he still never gave up on me. He was always there giving me hope. Pushing me harder. Pushing me not to give up. I honestly believe that without him I might not have been alive today. I’m not sure that I would have been able to face the reality that according to me, was really painful.

I know that my abusive relationship with ED was really hard and what kept me alive was the hope of one day breaking free from him. However I truly believe that the reason why I choose to stay with ED was because it was the least painful alternative. It would have been even more painful to cope with the real life. So without ED I would probably be 5 feet’s underneath the earth. Even though I hate my relationship with ED, I’m alive. Yes, I’m alive. Isn’t that worth celebrating?

When feelings is the disease and “Ed” is the remedy

So what just happened? I just had a binge and well I wasn’t really conscience of having one. Just before going to take a nap I read in “eating in the light of the moon” about that it’s crucial to accept and feel our feelings in order to get rid of ED. It makes sense. I know that I’ve got a nasty habit of numbing myself from feelings with ED related issues: eating, starving, binging, exercising etc. And why do I do that? Well, I wasn’t allowed to show my emotions when living with my parents: I was supposed to be that happy smiling girl. Always. My father constantly reminded me that I was a part of his environment (that’s literally what he said) and that he didn’t tolerate any “odd behaviour” in that environment. So I grow up thinking that not being cheerful was odd and a sin. My way of coping with feelings became ED. Anyway. What happened is that I woke up, feeling like shit. I was anxious and had bad conscience. So I had a binge. I didn’t want to feel that way. When analysing why I felt that way is because I’m really afraid that I won’t reach my ideal weight. I just gained 3 kg and I feel so alienated in my body. I also had a dream that I wasn’t respecting the diet rules I’ve out up for my self and I guess that created an “it’s already too late to be perfect” feeling. The bing was my response to numb my guilt and anxiety.

The power of forgiveness

Hate, anger and resentment are destructive, eating away at the heart and soul of the person who carries them. They are absolutely incompatible with your own peace, joy and relaxation. Forgiveness is not about another person who has transgressed against you; it is about you. Forgiveness is about doing whatever it takes to preserve the power to create your own emotional state. It is a gift to yourself and it frees you. You don't have to have the other person's cooperation, and they do not have to be sorry or admit the error of their ways. Do it for yourself.

Beeing a Garbage Can

You Are NOT A Garbage Can! Don't think that you are wasting your money if you don't finish all the food you paid for. The money is already spent. Cutting down on quantity is simpler than you think when you enjoy what you are eating.

If you satisfy your cravings - feel good!

To be sure that you really crave something, distract yourself from the craving. Try to do something else for exactly 10 minutes. Start a conversation, pick up a book, and review your "to do" list or exercise schedule. A craving will normally disappear shortly. It won’t haunt you – unless you let it. And if you are going to have triple chocolate cake, enjoy and savor the first few bites. Once you no longer get any additional pleasure out of it, you're done. It's that discipline that really separates slim woman from overweight woman or women with ED. The later are so wrecked with guilt regarding food that they tend to go from one extreme to the other.

Savor what you eat

If you CHOSE to eat, really enjoy what you eat. Eat with all of your senses, which will help you eat less because you're actually paying attention to your meal. Guilt about eating is what really has ruined food for a lot of women. Think about what you are eating, smelling and savoring every bite.

Tool °3 My defined product

I’ve just finished my list of my positive feutures – who I’am. This list is what I call “my defined product”. This concept comes from Dr Phil (who may have a silly TV-show but actually writes real good self-help literature).
The idea is to read this list I need to repeat them frequently with feeling. That way you will accentuate your positive traits. As you gradually starts to focus more on positive aspects your feelings about yourself will improve. This in turn will affect your mood, your actions and relationships. So when E.D or the Diet Rebel tells you how lousy they think that you are it’s easier to stand up to them.

The Diet Rebel

She is my so called best friend. Her voice is persisting and angry. She knows that my abusive husband E.D is not good for me. Therefore she wants me to disobey by doing exactly the opposite. She is herself a beautiful woman who has never had food-problems. Her lack of empathy and of knowledge leads her to advise me to eat and behave in ways that aren’t either respectful of my body signals nor self-loving or graceful.

E.D

I’ve been married to my eating disorder E.D for 13 years. E.D is persuaded that he knows what’s best for me and that he protects me from a ruff world. In reality he’s main purpose is to put me down and keep my self-esteem low in order for me to believe that he’s the only one who truly cares about me. His voice is authoritative and critical. Ed say’s that the only way that I can be satisfied with me life, be successful and be loved is by being thin and obey his rules.

Parents and selfesteem

It can't be easy to be a parent nowadays. As we over-analyse everything trying to find the reason behind our (strange) behavoirs the parents are severely judged and passes under the loop.

That said, there are apperently three things in our childhood that strongly effects our self-esteem. Good self-esteem is positively correlated to the below three factors:

- The parents set high standards by expecting politeness, help in the household and didn't let the children "do what you want".
- The Parents showed respect for their child by using democratic decision-making where the child taked part and is listened to.
- The parents showed love for their child not necessarily overtly but in terms of caring about "how things are going".

About loneliness...

I always thought that I was alone. One week ago it suddenly came to me that the reason that I feel alone is that I’m lying to everyone, including myself. Nobody really knows me. They don’t know about the shame, the feeling of failure and obsessions that’s the life for someone living with an Eating Disorder. The real issue here is also that I’m denying my problems to myself. I don’t want to do what I do but as I know nothing else, my obsessive thinking seems all normal to me.

I let E.D and the Diet Rebel dictate my life. Dictate is a really the right word. What about my own values, my own perception of life and my aspirations? I guess I need to find myself again. I thought that I knew myself really well but who am I?

Eating Disorder = Loneliness

I found this advice on the net regarding developping sane relationships:

“If you are feeling discouraged about finding someone or feeling bad about yourself and if you have had close friends, relatives, or relationships in the past, remember that at least one other person liked you the way you are. You know you can develop another relationship at least as good as one of those. If you have grown since then, you will probably have a better relationship.”

Well what if nobody really knows you? What if you’ve been hiding, lying and denying your problems to your family and closest friends? How then can you know that you can be loved for who you are? If you can’t love yourself and accept your problem, how on earth would you dare admit them to others?

Breaking free from the vicious cycle of overthinking

WOMEN WHO THINK TOO MUCH - Susan Nolen-Hoeksema

In our fast-paced, overly self-analytical culture many women spend countless hours thinking about negative ideas, feelings, and experiences and relationships. Nolen-Hoeksema shows us what causes so many women to be overthinkers and provides concrete strategies that can be used to escape these negative thoughts, move to higher ground, and live more productively. The authour explaines that negative mood connects negative thoughts and memories, even when these thoughts and memories have nothing else to do with one another. This is why it is easier to think of negative things when you are in a bad mood than when you are in a good mood. She challenges the assumption—heralded by so many pop-psychology pundits of the last several decades—that constantly expressing and analyzing our emotions is a good thing.

Life without E.D

The concept of this book written by Jenni Schaefer is that a relationship with an eating disorder is like being a woman living in an abusive mariage. Like her you're life has been controlled by a mentally and physically abusive partner. Like her you're afraid of leaving you partner. Like her you hide your bruises and keeps the thruth from your family and friends. The only way to heal is to dear to live him behind - even though your relationship with him is all you've ever known.

I'm thinking about divorcing....

I have to understand that I'm fully responsable for my relationship with my Eating Disorder. I might have been blind before. If you like me you probably thought that you're eating disorder was a part of yourself- and not a separate entity. You might not have seen yourself as a victim of abuse but believing that you were making yourself suffering deliberatelty. The reality is that you've been suffering because of an physically and mentally abusive partner - your Eating disorder.

Now I know that my Eating disorder isn't who I am. Neither is it who I would like to be. Therefor I know that I shouldn't continue to live with him. He's got a bad influence on me and tearing me apart from the inside and the outside. I need to see myself as a fully competent and potent force in my relationship with my Eating disorder.

On my bedside table at the moment

I'm a big fan on ordering litterature and music on the net. Since I got conscience about that I do have a problem 3 years ago, I've been ordering a lot of litterature. Of course, depening on where I've been in the process of recovery - my needs and "disease state" changes. This is my bibel at the moment.

LIFE WITHOUT ED - Jenni Schaefer with Thom Rutledge

I'm taking my life back!

I’ve decided to live! I want to take my life back! I'm going to dry my tears and simplify my life. Well simplify sound much more fun than to say that I’m really frightened that if I don’t get out of my mental torture chamber I don’t know what I’ll do. I’ve decided that I need to find myself as I don’t know how long I will cope with this existance (because I can’t really call this a life).

So here’s how I'll proceed ones I've found the motivation to act:

1 Create a support-team and keep daily contact
2 Accept and forgive myself for what I've done in the past
3 Get a clear picture of what I want for my future
4 Set up small process goals on the way
5 Reward myself on the way
6 Wear high heels more often

Ok I know that the 6^th statement seems quite irrelevant compared to the others but I’m not known to be a dead-serious young woman.(one of the reasons why I've been having a hard time to take my problems seriously)

Can I blame Barbie?

In today's society we never seem to satisfied with what we've got. So who's fault is it? Can I blame the society of consumption? Can I blame Barbie? Can I blame the unormally thin ideal for young women? Or is it my parents fault? Or my boyfriends? Well I don’t really know all I know is that the result is the same - I feel like shit.

My name is Saga

Saga = Scandinavian legend, or heroic or mythic tradition, among
the Norsemen and kindred people